How to Leave the Planet

You have been carefully selected as a totally random member of the Human Race. This chapter is for you. Before you read it:

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This chapter has been spontaneously generated by the PASSING ACQUAINTANCES OF THE EARTH computer. It will appear in this book when the computer judges that the Earth has passed the P.O.S.T.O.S.E.H. (Possibility of Sorting Things Out Sensibly Event Horizon).
If you have this chapter you may assume that the crucial point has now been passed, and that you are one of those chosen to be the future of the Human Race.

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HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET

 

1) Phone NASA. Explain that it’s very
important that you get away as quickly as possible.

(If they do not cooperate LOOK STEP 2!)

 

 

 

 

2) Get someone at the White
House to bring some pressure to bear
on them!

(If you don’t get any joy out of them LOOK STEP 3!)

 

 

 

 

 

3)  Phone the Kremlin and ask them to bring a little pressure to
bear on the White House on your behalf.

(If that fails too, LOOK STEP 4)

 

 

4) Phone the Pope for guidance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer
and explain that it’s vitally important that you get away
before your phone bill arrives.

 

 

 

 

 

WHERE YOU SHOULD BE HEADING

 Where everyone else in the galaxy is heading! Stay in the
swim, hang out in bars, keep your eyes open. Send all information home on postcards for the benefit of the next wave of Earth emigrants.

Current information says that everyone else in the Galaxy is heading for a small planet in Galactic Sector JPG78857.
It is clearly the most wonderfully trendy zillion tons of hunky
rock in the known sky.

WHAT YOUR TRAVELS WILL BE LIKE

Difficult and unbelievably dangerous. Space is notorious for having all sorts of terribly
frightening things happening in it, most of which are best dealt with by running away very fast.
You should therefore take with you:

 

 

 

1) A pair of strong running shoes. The most useful type are of
outrageous design and mind-mangling colours; experience has
shown that if, while strolling through the ancient swampworld of
Slurmgurst you come unexpectedly across an appalling alien
monster with Lasero-Zap eyes, Swivel-Shear teeth, several dozen
tungsten-carbide Vast-Pain claws forged in the sun furnaces of
Zangrijad, and a terrible temper, it is in your immediate best
interests that the monster should be for a moment
a) startled, and
b) looking downwards.

 

 

 

 

2) A towel. Whilst the monster is temporarily confused by your
footwear you should wrap the towel round its head and strike
it with a blunt instrument.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3) A blunt instrument (see above).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4) A green jacket or sweat shirt, for wearing
after incidents such as the above.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6) All the lyrics to any songs you like to sing whilst traveling.
It is very easy to make enemies by continually singing a song
you don’t know all the words to, particularly on long space
journeys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

7) A bottle of something. There are very few people in the Galaxy
who won’t be more pleased to see you if you are carrying a
bottle of something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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From: BAHAR ENGUR

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