Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
One more drink and I’d be under the host.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
–William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but, at the very least you need a beer.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
–Guzzler, Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I’m lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
– Ross Levy
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I’d take the nothing…
Draft beer, not people!
Beer – it’s not just for breakfast anymore
Beer: Nature’s laxative.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder.